I'm re-reading Dale Carnegie's timeless classic "How to Win Friends and Influence People", for the 3rd time and it keeps getting better. Amazing for a book that was written in 1936. What is interesting is that as our world gets more complicated and challenging, the simplicity offered in the book has never been so relevant. I could write many blogs on all the principles (which I may) but let's start with the first one: Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
Yes! I never said it was easy to do - but it is simple to understand.
So rather than criticize, try to understand the other person's perspective and give sincere appreciation. While it sounds simple, not criticizing others is extremely difficult to put into practice consistently. Our natural tendency is to point out faults and mistakes, whether to others or just in our own minds. However, Carnegie's advice rings as true today as when he first wrote it in 1936.
When we criticize others, even if we think we're being helpful or constrictive, it puts them on the defensive. Their natural reaction is to justify themselves and resist the criticism. As Carnegie wrote, "Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home." The more we criticize others, the more likely they'll turn around and criticize us right back. It becomes a vicious, toxic cycle that only breeds further resentment and defensiveness on both sides.
Instead of immediately judging and criticizing, we need to step into the other person's shoes. What are their motivations? What context or perspectives might we be missing? Carnegie noted, "Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do." When we make even a basic attempt at empathy, it opens the door to more effective communication and conflict resolution.
At the same time, Carnegie advised being "lavish in our praise and hearty in our approbation" towards others. Who doesn't appreciate receiving sincere compliments and approval? When we look for things to genuinely appreciate and praise in others, it disarms them and makes them far more receptive to us. As he shared with us in the book, "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar."
Changing our critical, judgmental behavior towards appreciation and understanding isn't easy. It takes constant personal vigilance and effort. But by applying this first fundamental principle from Dale Carnegie, our relationships and overall influence over others will improve dramatically.
In a world of conflict, negativity and egocentric criticism, extending a hand of empathy and appreciation can be transformative. Start looking for what to appreciate, not what to criticize.